I met a great therapist yesterday and she was telling me her analogy of how therapy is like cleaning out a dirty boo boo. Imagine a little kid falling down and scraping their knee. They don't know better and don't clean it out so the skin heals over it but all the dirt and rocks are still inside so it never heals properly. Therapy, Dr. H says, is opening up that wound and cleaning it out piece by piece so that it can finally heal properly and be healthy.
So yesterday we opened up my boo boo to see what was inside. It seems that when I fell down I was walking in a gravel pit, my boo boo is big and full of dirt.
You don't realize how messed up your life has been until someone starts asking questions about every segment of your life; birth, early childhood, school, high school, college, etc. What I realized yesterday is I've been messed up from the beginning. Wait, let me take that back, I'm not messed up but things about my life have been messed up.
My mom went back to work 2 weeks after giving birth to me. My dad, an alcoholic, worked nights and "watched" us during the day. He tells stories about how he was so tired he used to put one of us on his chest and tie his hands together so he wouldn't drop us while he slept. He was in rehab a few times before I was 10.
My early memories are littered with things that never happened thanks to the paranoid schizophrenic that is my father.
We moved a few times and every time we moved I had fewer and fewer friends and my weight problem grew.
In high school I was left to live on my own for a while at the end of my senior year b/c my mom got a new job the next state (8 hours) away. I had to keep the house clean for showings and take care of two dogs. It was the first time I had to deal with utility companies.
In college I fell in love with a woman and my parents cut me off financially and my father did not attend our wedding.
When I was pregnant with my first my partner cheated on me with my best friend and co-teacher. Shortly after my first son's birth my partner told me she was leaving me b/c she wasn't getting enough attention.
Aiden's first birthday was overshadowed by my father's "crazy" and shortly after that is the traumatic event that has forever changed my life.
When all was said and done who was there for me during all of this????? That's right , no one.
So basically I've had a life full of....err.......stuff. My therapist thinks this boo boo will take years, yes years, to heal.
I'm amazed I'm not more messed up than I am. I have some anxiety, an anxious depression, a little OCD but seriously, not bad considering the circumstances. Listing it all out like that makes me proud of myself and proud of who I am. I could be curled up in a ball in the corner high out of my mind on some drug or strapped to a bed in a mental facility. Instead I have not let these things define me and I have overcome. I have issues I need to deal with and I am, just me and Dr. H.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Common Courtesy
Here's a little unsolicited advice for people who bring their young children places.
1)If your child hits/kicks/spits on or otherwise does something unkind to myself or my children APOLOGIZE.
2)If your child can not control their urges to run around and scream like a banshee DO NOT take them to a sit down activity like story time at the library and let them do their thing.
3)If your child is sick in any way STAY HOME.
4) If your child makes a stinky diaper and you know it DO NOT let your child continue to walk around and play leaving a path of stink behind. Kindly take your child to the bathroom and change him/her.
5)The booth at a restaurant is NOT a changing table, their are sanitation laws for Pete's sake.
6)If you go to someone else's home for a play date please at least OFFER to clean up the toys after your child has taken them ALL out.
7)If you and your child eat lunch at someone else's house clean up after your child. Heck, cleanup after yourself.
8)If your child runs around a play group pulling EVERY other child's hair please remove them from the group.
9)If your toddler loves babies kindly teach them that it is generally NOT OK to touch every baby he/she sees and or give the baby a kiss esp. during cold and flu season.
10)If you know that your child will be hungry and/or thirsty be prepared and bring a drink and snack so your kid will keep their paws off my kids' snack.
It floors me that I even have to say some of these things but these are things I encounter all the time while I am out and about with the little ones. I try my best to raise my boys to be respectful and kind and to behave appropriately for the situation. My boys are not angels by any means and we definitely have moments when I'm sure other parents cringe at what my kids are doing. The difference is that I do discipline my boys when they are not behaving appropriately and if that means packing up and leaving then so be it. I apologize to people whenever I feel it is necessary and in general I try to teach my boys to be good people.
1)If your child hits/kicks/spits on or otherwise does something unkind to myself or my children APOLOGIZE.
2)If your child can not control their urges to run around and scream like a banshee DO NOT take them to a sit down activity like story time at the library and let them do their thing.
3)If your child is sick in any way STAY HOME.
4) If your child makes a stinky diaper and you know it DO NOT let your child continue to walk around and play leaving a path of stink behind. Kindly take your child to the bathroom and change him/her.
5)The booth at a restaurant is NOT a changing table, their are sanitation laws for Pete's sake.
6)If you go to someone else's home for a play date please at least OFFER to clean up the toys after your child has taken them ALL out.
7)If you and your child eat lunch at someone else's house clean up after your child. Heck, cleanup after yourself.
8)If your child runs around a play group pulling EVERY other child's hair please remove them from the group.
9)If your toddler loves babies kindly teach them that it is generally NOT OK to touch every baby he/she sees and or give the baby a kiss esp. during cold and flu season.
10)If you know that your child will be hungry and/or thirsty be prepared and bring a drink and snack so your kid will keep their paws off my kids' snack.
It floors me that I even have to say some of these things but these are things I encounter all the time while I am out and about with the little ones. I try my best to raise my boys to be respectful and kind and to behave appropriately for the situation. My boys are not angels by any means and we definitely have moments when I'm sure other parents cringe at what my kids are doing. The difference is that I do discipline my boys when they are not behaving appropriately and if that means packing up and leaving then so be it. I apologize to people whenever I feel it is necessary and in general I try to teach my boys to be good people.
Caught Red Handed
Last night Sadie was in the bathroom giving Riley a bath. Aiden was in the living room with me dancing and then he headed in the direction of the kitchen and his own bedroom. I'm not a helicopter mom so it didn't even faze me he had walked away. Sadie came out and asked where A was and I said "he went that way" and pointed in the direction. We both yelled his name expecting to hear "What?" in return and all we got was silence. We did it again and silence. Now you can see the panic in our faces. Sadie heads for the kitchen and I stay with Riley who's swimming in the tub happily. I hear her yelling for Aiden as she walks and saying "where are you?" Keep in mind she can't see well. So then I hear Aiden start to cry, a very sad cry. I run to the kitchen and see him in the fridge with the wrapper of what used to be Sadie's chocolate in his hand and I can see chocolate dripping from h
is mouth. I understand everything now. I send Sadie back to watch Riley and talk to Aiden. Sadie had been yelling at him for not answering her when she called and Aiden thought he had been getting in trouble for the chocolate which Sadie hadn't even been able to see. Aiden was devastated, obviously disappointed in himself. He sobbed big hiccupy sobs. We went to talk to Sadie and told her what had happened. We just kept stressing that we weren't mad at him we had just been concerned about where he was. The poor kid could not recover and was a blubbering clingy mess the rest of the night. I put Aiden to bed last night and about 10 minutes later he came and climbed into our bed b/c he wanted someone to cuddle with. How do you say no to that?
is mouth. I understand everything now. I send Sadie back to watch Riley and talk to Aiden. Sadie had been yelling at him for not answering her when she called and Aiden thought he had been getting in trouble for the chocolate which Sadie hadn't even been able to see. Aiden was devastated, obviously disappointed in himself. He sobbed big hiccupy sobs. We went to talk to Sadie and told her what had happened. We just kept stressing that we weren't mad at him we had just been concerned about where he was. The poor kid could not recover and was a blubbering clingy mess the rest of the night. I put Aiden to bed last night and about 10 minutes later he came and climbed into our bed b/c he wanted someone to cuddle with. How do you say no to that?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Making Progress....update #3
I spent a lot of time while the kids were busy today searching the database of local therapists on www.psychologytoday.com. I wasn't very happy with a lot of them and most only want to deal in the here and now and work towards a happier future. That's all well and good but I have a past I haven't dealt with and need to so when I came across one particular profile it seemed like a terrific fit. She wants to deal with childhood issues and how they affect the present. So I sent her an email and expect to hear from her tomorrow.
The biggest accomplishment of today isn't even on my list, it was on Sadie's. She called and found us a therapist for couples counseling. He was out of the office today but called tonight and asked her a bunch of questions and said he would call her tomorrow when he had his calendar and would set us up an appointment. Apparently pigs do fl, who knew. I think she wanted me to be more excited that she finally did it but honestly after it taking so long and the fights about it I wasn't about to jump for joy, you know?
I never did hear back from the daycare and I could have put in more of an effort but I was iffy about it anyway and then it was such a struggle just to set up an interview that I kind of gave up. I know that's not necessarily the best thing to do but....well, it is what it is.
For the most part things are moving in the right direction. I'm getting there, I will get there.
The biggest accomplishment of today isn't even on my list, it was on Sadie's. She called and found us a therapist for couples counseling. He was out of the office today but called tonight and asked her a bunch of questions and said he would call her tomorrow when he had his calendar and would set us up an appointment. Apparently pigs do fl, who knew. I think she wanted me to be more excited that she finally did it but honestly after it taking so long and the fights about it I wasn't about to jump for joy, you know?
I never did hear back from the daycare and I could have put in more of an effort but I was iffy about it anyway and then it was such a struggle just to set up an interview that I kind of gave up. I know that's not necessarily the best thing to do but....well, it is what it is.
For the most part things are moving in the right direction. I'm getting there, I will get there.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Update #2
I had an email yesterday afternoon from the owner of Roots enrichment center. She asked me to call this afternoon to set up an interview. Our afternoon was full with library, play date, grocery shopping and picking up Sadie but I set the car CD player to Little People and pulled out my cell phone. I was nervous but dialed and listened to it ring and ring and ring. I got a machine and left a message explaining I was out all afternoon but to please call my cell phone and I left that number again. I never heard back. So I'm beginning to wonder about the organizational prowess at this place and more and more thinking this isn't for me. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Today I sent an email to my old boss at a local childcare center. They have 5 or 6 centers around this area so they must have an opening somewhere. We'll see what she comes back with. I only want to start part time and I need child care for the kids so those factors are not in my favor. This particular company is not a big fan of part time employees and their centers are usually full or near full so finding a place that has openings for both of the boys could prove tough. But, this was a step in the right direction so I'm trying to stay positive that something will work out.
I didn't get any further with the counseling thing. After a rough/LONG night with Riley I wasn't in the mood to deal with anything this morning and as previously mentioned my afternoon was a bit busy. Tomorrow is pretty full too but I hope to at least get a call in to my insurance company so they can approve my visit to a therapist, Oh how I hate insurance companies and their "procedures".
As for the diet and exercise portion of my list....let's just say tonight their was cake. I'll leave it at that.
Today I sent an email to my old boss at a local childcare center. They have 5 or 6 centers around this area so they must have an opening somewhere. We'll see what she comes back with. I only want to start part time and I need child care for the kids so those factors are not in my favor. This particular company is not a big fan of part time employees and their centers are usually full or near full so finding a place that has openings for both of the boys could prove tough. But, this was a step in the right direction so I'm trying to stay positive that something will work out.
I didn't get any further with the counseling thing. After a rough/LONG night with Riley I wasn't in the mood to deal with anything this morning and as previously mentioned my afternoon was a bit busy. Tomorrow is pretty full too but I hope to at least get a call in to my insurance company so they can approve my visit to a therapist, Oh how I hate insurance companies and their "procedures".
As for the diet and exercise portion of my list....let's just say tonight their was cake. I'll leave it at that.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Update #1
I called the doctor today and I have an appointment for next Wednesday at 9am. I'm a little bummed it's over a week away but I understand she's busy and it's not an urgent situation. I'll actually be meeting my primary care doctor for the first time. She's been my PCP for years (9?) now and I've never met her. I have always seen the physician's assistant (who left 2 years ago) and then the nurse practitioner whom I just found out is no longer working with my PCP, sigh. I guess it's good I'll meet her, I've been meaning to do that.
I have also been online looking at my insurance and trying to find a counselor but I have no idea where to even begin. There's a practice at the end of my street, I guess I could call there and see if they do any evening appointments and if they can recommend which one of the counselors I should see. It's a bit overwhelming especially for someone who has anxiety about calling people she doesn't know.
I have also been online looking at my insurance and trying to find a counselor but I have no idea where to even begin. There's a practice at the end of my street, I guess I could call there and see if they do any evening appointments and if they can recommend which one of the counselors I should see. It's a bit overwhelming especially for someone who has anxiety about calling people she doesn't know.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
My Mind is Spinning
I had one of those weeks where I came to a lot of conclusions about things, had a lot of revelations, and made a lot of plans for action. This coming week I need to make it all happen, it's very overwhelming. So to share and to remind myself I'll recap by making a to-do list for the coming week.
1) Make appt. with doctor to discuss PMDD, PTSD, and anxiety.
2) Continue to email and/or call ROOTS enrichment center to set up interview.
3) Search for a counselor I like and make an appointment.
4) Get back on a healthy eating plan ( I got on the scale this morning :O)
5) Start exercising at least 3 times a week. (see above)
I'm sure there is more I've pushed aside up there in brain storage but I think that's a lot to deal with in one week so I'm not going to dig too hard to find more.
It's funny to me, not ha ha funny but interesting funny, that I have all these issues; PMDD, PTSD, anxiety, yet I seem to function semi-normally every day and the average Joe would have no idea what is going on inside my tortured little head. I've always been good at putting on a happy face and I guess that's why not many people really know what's going on with me right now. I wish I were the type to let my guard down more and share with people but I'm not. I never have been and don't think I ever will be. I have found a great group of women online though and I tell them pretty much everything, pretty much :) They are so supportive and we have so much fun. Maybe someday one of us will win the lottery and can pay the way for all of us to get together IRL.
Well that's all from here for now. I'll try to update throughout the week as I make progress on my list. Wish me luck.
1) Make appt. with doctor to discuss PMDD, PTSD, and anxiety.
2) Continue to email and/or call ROOTS enrichment center to set up interview.
3) Search for a counselor I like and make an appointment.
4) Get back on a healthy eating plan ( I got on the scale this morning :O)
5) Start exercising at least 3 times a week. (see above)
I'm sure there is more I've pushed aside up there in brain storage but I think that's a lot to deal with in one week so I'm not going to dig too hard to find more.
It's funny to me, not ha ha funny but interesting funny, that I have all these issues; PMDD, PTSD, anxiety, yet I seem to function semi-normally every day and the average Joe would have no idea what is going on inside my tortured little head. I've always been good at putting on a happy face and I guess that's why not many people really know what's going on with me right now. I wish I were the type to let my guard down more and share with people but I'm not. I never have been and don't think I ever will be. I have found a great group of women online though and I tell them pretty much everything, pretty much :) They are so supportive and we have so much fun. Maybe someday one of us will win the lottery and can pay the way for all of us to get together IRL.
Well that's all from here for now. I'll try to update throughout the week as I make progress on my list. Wish me luck.
Monday, January 14, 2008
messages from beyond
Do you believe in signs? Other forces? Life after death? Spirits? I never used to believe in any of that. You die and you are dead. As I get older and have more life experiences I start to believe in some sort of an afterlife. I love to watch John Edwards on TV and would love to "be read" by him.
I live in a place that was once occupied by 3 young men and a young woman. Two of the young men were killed in a car accident a month before we moved in. Doors open and close here on their own and I swear I once saw a male figure standing in the living room one night when I got up to use the bathroom. At first it startled the bejeezus out of me but then a calm came over me and it was OK. He looked young, 20ish and wore jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball hat.
I also feel the presence of my grandfather at times. I will suddenly get cravings for saltines and margarine which is the only snack I remember him feeding us and I feel like he's there.
Before my first son was born my partner and I agreed on having one child. I was fine with it and looking forward to spoiling a single child. Soon after he was born I had this overwhelming urge to have a second. It wasn't about my first growing up and wanting another baby it was this need to bring another life into the world. It was like I could feel the presence of another child and it needed to be a part of my life. I know, I know, to those of you who don't believe in this stuff this is very far fetched, I used to be one of you. Now that my second son is here I know that I was meant to have him. He is an amazing little guy and I really believe he pushed me to bring him into the world. Now that he is here I feel pretty content. I could have another, or not, I think I'd be OK either way. I feel no major push or pull in either direction.
It's a strange feeling going from being a non-believer to sitting down and realizing you have made major life decisions based on things you once said never existed.
So.....do you believe?
I live in a place that was once occupied by 3 young men and a young woman. Two of the young men were killed in a car accident a month before we moved in. Doors open and close here on their own and I swear I once saw a male figure standing in the living room one night when I got up to use the bathroom. At first it startled the bejeezus out of me but then a calm came over me and it was OK. He looked young, 20ish and wore jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball hat.
I also feel the presence of my grandfather at times. I will suddenly get cravings for saltines and margarine which is the only snack I remember him feeding us and I feel like he's there.
Before my first son was born my partner and I agreed on having one child. I was fine with it and looking forward to spoiling a single child. Soon after he was born I had this overwhelming urge to have a second. It wasn't about my first growing up and wanting another baby it was this need to bring another life into the world. It was like I could feel the presence of another child and it needed to be a part of my life. I know, I know, to those of you who don't believe in this stuff this is very far fetched, I used to be one of you. Now that my second son is here I know that I was meant to have him. He is an amazing little guy and I really believe he pushed me to bring him into the world. Now that he is here I feel pretty content. I could have another, or not, I think I'd be OK either way. I feel no major push or pull in either direction.
It's a strange feeling going from being a non-believer to sitting down and realizing you have made major life decisions based on things you once said never existed.
So.....do you believe?
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Optimist
I'm a glass half full kind of gal. Sometimes when your drink settles the best part is on the bottom anyway :) Most of the time it's good to be an optimist and it makes getting through the day a lot easier. My life has not be an easy one, no one's has, I know. I can't imagine I would have survived it without optimism though.
What's the problem with optimism? The disappointment when the rest of the world doesn't meet your expectations. I'm pretty flexible in this, I don't have HUGE expectations (most of the time). I think that I am pretty realistic in my optimism. Alas, disappointment does come and it always makes me feel like a fool for being an optimist. It's that little slap in the face, ha ha I told you so, boy are you a sucker reality check that no one likes to get.
There are many many many examples I could give you but being the optimist that I am I like to think that people actually read this blog and I wouldn't want to hurt any feelings.
So yesterday I got sucker punched with reality and my optimistic view was given a roadblock for while. This morning I sit, tail tucked between my legs looking at the world trying to decide. Is my glass half full today? Or is half empty?
What's the problem with optimism? The disappointment when the rest of the world doesn't meet your expectations. I'm pretty flexible in this, I don't have HUGE expectations (most of the time). I think that I am pretty realistic in my optimism. Alas, disappointment does come and it always makes me feel like a fool for being an optimist. It's that little slap in the face, ha ha I told you so, boy are you a sucker reality check that no one likes to get.
There are many many many examples I could give you but being the optimist that I am I like to think that people actually read this blog and I wouldn't want to hurt any feelings.
So yesterday I got sucker punched with reality and my optimistic view was given a roadblock for while. This morning I sit, tail tucked between my legs looking at the world trying to decide. Is my glass half full today? Or is half empty?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Colleena Stringbeana
Ah, nicknames. I escaped them for the most part when I was growing up. Colleen doesn't rhyme with much and most kids aren't creative enough to come up with something for a nickname unless it rhymes or flows.
Colleen Stringbeana came about when I was in college working retail at Lane Bryant. On slow days, and there were many, we joked around a lot and talked in phony accents, and of course, gave each other nicknames. There was Jen or Go-Go as we called her. She was very tall and we often asked her to use her "lonk arm" to reach things. I think lonk came from long with an accent. Tammy was Tammy ta-ta's, I'll let you figure that one out on your own. I don't remember many others but mine was Colleena Stringbeana. I have no idea where it came from b/c I am clearly not shaped like a stringbean hence working at Lane Bryant. So Sadie shortened it to Bean and calls me that frequently.
The kids have a million and one nicknames too. I'll start with Aiden.
A
Aidioli
Aidioli Rigatoni
Aidioli Rigatoni Ravioli
Aide
Peanut
Big guy
cutie
sweetie
Love bug
Cuddle bear
Now Riley;
Ri Ri
Ri
Riley Rooster
Roo roo
Riley Riley roosteren
peanut
cashew
chunkers
chubs
chunky monkey
chubsy
lovey muffin
Some day I know I won't be "allowed" to call them these names. It's already starting with Aiden. I'm not allowed to call him my baby because "No, I a big boy mommy!" He is my baby though and always will be. I also know I should stop using the nicknames that refer to Riley's weight sooner rather than later. Sigh....it's hard to let go of nicknames, who knew? They are attached to memories and parts of my kids personalities that I don't want to forget.
So what are your nicknames?? Your kids?
Colleen Stringbeana came about when I was in college working retail at Lane Bryant. On slow days, and there were many, we joked around a lot and talked in phony accents, and of course, gave each other nicknames. There was Jen or Go-Go as we called her. She was very tall and we often asked her to use her "lonk arm" to reach things. I think lonk came from long with an accent. Tammy was Tammy ta-ta's, I'll let you figure that one out on your own. I don't remember many others but mine was Colleena Stringbeana. I have no idea where it came from b/c I am clearly not shaped like a stringbean hence working at Lane Bryant. So Sadie shortened it to Bean and calls me that frequently.
The kids have a million and one nicknames too. I'll start with Aiden.
A
Aidioli
Aidioli Rigatoni
Aidioli Rigatoni Ravioli
Aide
Peanut
Big guy
cutie
sweetie
Love bug
Cuddle bear
Now Riley;
Ri Ri
Ri
Riley Rooster
Roo roo
Riley Riley roosteren
peanut
cashew
chunkers
chubs
chunky monkey
chubsy
lovey muffin
Some day I know I won't be "allowed" to call them these names. It's already starting with Aiden. I'm not allowed to call him my baby because "No, I a big boy mommy!" He is my baby though and always will be. I also know I should stop using the nicknames that refer to Riley's weight sooner rather than later. Sigh....it's hard to let go of nicknames, who knew? They are attached to memories and parts of my kids personalities that I don't want to forget.
So what are your nicknames?? Your kids?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Breathe
Do you ever have those days that are so crazy you literally have to remind yourself to breathe? Today was one of those days and for the most part it was my own doing. It started with the kids getting up way too early even though I needed them up this morning because we had to get Sadie to an 8 AM doctor's appt. Granted I normally get a lot done before 8AM anyway, it's just harder when pressed with a deadline. So I got up and fed the kids, got them dressed, took a shower and got myself dressed, packed my diaper bag and Aiden's leapster backpack and was ready before 7:30. In the 10 spare minutes I changed the sheets on both the kids beds and made my own. Done. So that left Sadie with....herself and she got up and in the shower before I did. Who walked out the door first?? That's right, the kids and I did. So we did the doctor appt. thing and then gave her a ride to work and came home for a bit.
I did have some downtime then but it was filled with "I'm hungry", "I'm thirsty", "Is it library time yet?", "Is it lunch time yet?", grunts of pooping babies, the phone ringing and assorted whines and cries. Riley took a nap, I fed Aiden and packed a lunch for Riley to eat at the library since he was asleep. Aiden dumped the crumbs from his plate all over the floor b/c "there was a monster robot coming!" so I cleaned that up and then Riley woke up. I had a few minutes so tried to feed him lunch. Everything I put in his mouth came back out, I gave up. Library was great and the kids had fun.
We left there and came home for 30 minutes to have snack, change diapers, go potty, etc. Then we left to go to the grocery store and pick Sadie up at work. I started with a short little list; milk, veggies, pasta, juice. 35 minutes later I've done a whole grocery shopping with two kids in tow, loaded it into the car and managed to pick Sadie up only 3 minutes late. This is about the time I had to remind myself to breathe. Came home, unloaded groceries, made dinner, put Aiden in time out twice, listened to Riley scream every time I walked away, set the table, fed the kids, ate my dinner, cleaned it up, did a load of laundry, put a cranky baby down for nap that I'll regret later, cleaned up the living room....insert breathe here.
So I decided to sit down and blog. I couldn't think of anything special I did today but as I sat here and typed out my day I came upon a few things. I taught my son about recycling as we watched the guy load bags of cans and bottles onto a truck "I didn't know that" he said, I sat with my boys during story time and played peek a boo with Riley to keep him happy, I played catch with Riley on the floor of the living room and thought enough of it to make a video to always have the memory, I held my 3 year old after his time out when he was so disappointed in himself, I listened to my boys snoring in the backseat of the van, I kissed away the tears of a tired baby, and through most of it I smiled.
Being a stay at home mom is so much work and I'm rarely home. I like to call myself a stay with the kids mom (SWKM). It's a lot of work with little recognition from anyone other than my kids but it is hands down the best job I've ever had. My clothes get dirty, my hair gets pulled, I eat more PB&J than I care to discuss, I have in depth conversations about the appropriate way to use the potty, I get pooped on, cried on, puked on, and sometimes they even hand me their boogers but... I also hear "I love you mommy" "I need you mommy" and get hugs and kisses all day and I get to enjoy those little moments that make my heart skip like when Riley figured out he could roll a ball to me and I would clap, or when Aiden leans over and pulls Riley in and says "I love you Ri". No contest for me, I love what I do.
I did have some downtime then but it was filled with "I'm hungry", "I'm thirsty", "Is it library time yet?", "Is it lunch time yet?", grunts of pooping babies, the phone ringing and assorted whines and cries. Riley took a nap, I fed Aiden and packed a lunch for Riley to eat at the library since he was asleep. Aiden dumped the crumbs from his plate all over the floor b/c "there was a monster robot coming!" so I cleaned that up and then Riley woke up. I had a few minutes so tried to feed him lunch. Everything I put in his mouth came back out, I gave up. Library was great and the kids had fun.
We left there and came home for 30 minutes to have snack, change diapers, go potty, etc. Then we left to go to the grocery store and pick Sadie up at work. I started with a short little list; milk, veggies, pasta, juice. 35 minutes later I've done a whole grocery shopping with two kids in tow, loaded it into the car and managed to pick Sadie up only 3 minutes late. This is about the time I had to remind myself to breathe. Came home, unloaded groceries, made dinner, put Aiden in time out twice, listened to Riley scream every time I walked away, set the table, fed the kids, ate my dinner, cleaned it up, did a load of laundry, put a cranky baby down for nap that I'll regret later, cleaned up the living room....insert breathe here.
So I decided to sit down and blog. I couldn't think of anything special I did today but as I sat here and typed out my day I came upon a few things. I taught my son about recycling as we watched the guy load bags of cans and bottles onto a truck "I didn't know that" he said, I sat with my boys during story time and played peek a boo with Riley to keep him happy, I played catch with Riley on the floor of the living room and thought enough of it to make a video to always have the memory, I held my 3 year old after his time out when he was so disappointed in himself, I listened to my boys snoring in the backseat of the van, I kissed away the tears of a tired baby, and through most of it I smiled.
Being a stay at home mom is so much work and I'm rarely home. I like to call myself a stay with the kids mom (SWKM). It's a lot of work with little recognition from anyone other than my kids but it is hands down the best job I've ever had. My clothes get dirty, my hair gets pulled, I eat more PB&J than I care to discuss, I have in depth conversations about the appropriate way to use the potty, I get pooped on, cried on, puked on, and sometimes they even hand me their boogers but... I also hear "I love you mommy" "I need you mommy" and get hugs and kisses all day and I get to enjoy those little moments that make my heart skip like when Riley figured out he could roll a ball to me and I would clap, or when Aiden leans over and pulls Riley in and says "I love you Ri". No contest for me, I love what I do.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Me time
With two young kids there isn't much quiet time at my house. Mornings are filled with breakfast demands, the daily struggle to put clothing on the children, change a diaper, plead a 3 year old to go potty, doing the dishes, making the beds, and getting myself ready for the day. All that usually happens before 8AM and honestly it is the quietest part of my day. So, like I said, quiet time is hard to find. Sometimes I take a few extra minutes in the bathroom but they know where I am and will come knocking (I use that term loosely). If I don't answer they peek under the door and then I see their hands reach under the door looking for some piece of me they can grab. Sometimes it's cute and makes me laugh and sometimes it's so frustrating I could scream. Sometimes all it it takes is for me to go in the kitchen while they are in the living room preoccupied with toys. That usually buys me 5 minutes before they realize I've walked away and come looking for me. Those few stolen moments, wherever they may be, are precious but are not always enough. So I've discovered a time that no one in my house seems to know about, pre-dawn. It sounds silly and with all the complaining I do about not getting enough sleep I'm sure you all are thinking it's silly but pre-dawn is a wonderfully quiet, peaceful time in my house when I get to be ALONE. Some of that time is spent on the computer checking email, posting, blogging, etc. Some of that time is spent reading a magazine without little fingers trying to rip the pages, and still more of that time is spent just sitting. I sit on the couch and I look around and revel in the fact that the Leap Frog musical table is quiet, the ottoman to the rocking chair is under my feet and not being used for body surfing, the tv is off, the lights are low, there are no sounds other than Riley's noise machine making the sound of raindrops over the monitor and occasionally the sounds of the dog dreaming or Sadie snoring from the next room. These moments, me time I call it, are moments that help me be me. So it may be crazy that I give up a bit of my precious sleep time to sit alone in my house but it's what I do. Shhhhhh....don't tell my kids about this blog, they are all too willing to share the pre-dawn hours with me but then it wouldn't be "me time".
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