All good things must come to an end

My little boy is about to turn 1. A little over a year ago I started emailing with La Leche League leaders and discussed my concerns about breastfeeding with my OB.

When Aiden, my first, was born things went horribly wrong in the breastfeeding dept. I developed pre-eclampsia and ended up with an induction just before 37 weeks. It was a long, 39 hour labor, that ended with a csection and a baby that was not breathing. The traumatic birth combined with a mother who thought breastfeeding came naturally and nurses who were not on the ball all added up to a baby who would not latch on, who screamed if he came within inches of my breast. This was not the natural, warm and fuzzy breastfeeding experience I had hoped for. I tried pumping to get my supply to come in to see if that would help but I have to tell you I was tired. I had been very sick, pumped full of drugs, let labor for too long and pumping was not fun. I gave up breastfeeding within a week.

When I was blessed with child number two I was determined that this experience would be different. I read everything I could get my hands on and scoured the internet. The La Leche League leader I got in touch with was wonderful and reassuring that I could and would do it this time. I had a scheduled csection and healthy baby boy. We had some problems in the beginning, he was a lazy sucker, but we worked through it and between pumping, feeding baby, drinking some nasty tea and taking pills that made me smell like maple I had milk.

At first I was happy we had made it through the first few, painful weeks. I had no real long term goal. Then one day I realized it had become second nature and was easy and comfortable. This was what I had been working so hard for. The first time Riley pulled away while nursing and gave me one of those milky smiles I cried. I had done it. I had milk and my baby was happy nursing. From then, I knew I would nurse until at least a year if not beyond. The idea of self weaning was appealling to me and I felt strongly that he wouldn't make it much past a year anyway. He's a busy little guy and stopping to nurse just wasn't on his agenda much as he grew.

Slowly Ri started dropping feedings and would scream and fight if I tried to make him nurse when he wasn't ready. Around 10 months he was down to only night feedings and then they started tapering off as well. Last Thursday, January 31st, I nursed Riley in the middle of the night. We sat on the couch in the dark and little was said. I kissed his cheek as he switched sides and layed him back in his bed when he was done. I did not know that that would be the last time I would nurse him. Would it have been different had I known? Perhaps. I know I would have cried, I may have held him a bit longer or a bit tighter. I know I would have told him how much I loved spending that time with him. I think it was better that I did not know and it ended just as it began, quietly and peacefully and on his terms.

I miss our nursing time sooooooo much right now it makes my stomach hurt. I have found other ways to be close to him and have spent a few nights cuddled up in my bed with him. I've discovered he really likes to "spoon". It's not the same and nothing ever will be but all good things must come to an end. So it's time for me to let it go and say good bye to breastmilk.

Dear breastmilk,
Thank you for allowing me this experience with my son. Thank you for giving him a wonderful foundation to grow on. Thank you for everything you have given to us. You will be missed and never forgotten.